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The Worst Film Ever

Fantastic!

Admirable film.

It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

Pagan Island (1961) * 1/2 (out of 4) William Stanton (Edward Dew) is rescued from a lifeboat with a dead body. Once on the ship he talks about how he was on board another ship that went down in the ocean but he managed to wash up on a mysterious island ran by women.PAGAN ISLAND comes from director Barry Mahon and if you've seen any of his movies then you already know that he messed around in various genres but the one thing they all had in common was the fact that they didn't have much of a budget. I really, really wanted to like this film more than I actually did and it's really too bad that a little more excitement wasn't thrown into this because it should have been much better.The main reason this movie was made was to show off the island of beautiful women. Yes, that's right, there aren't any uglies on this island but instead they're all beautiful women and once in a while we even get a quick flash of nudity. There were several films that dealt with men landing on a planet/island/any location that was ran by women so story-wise there's nothing new or original here.At just 58 minutes the film has some entertaining moments but for the most part way too much time is devoted to nothing. I say that because there are countless scenes here that just drag along for no reason other than to build up the running time. Check out the sequence where Stanton slowly loads his gun and we have to slowly watch ever bullet go in. I really wish some of these scenes had been cut down and replaced with a little more action or even a little more nudity.

This is a movie you can come up with a number of alternate titles, including "Welcome to Island Anthrax!" "Did you say she was going to be the bride of the sea -gull?-" and "Man, you worship one pig-ugly god!"As you will surmise from the other reviews here, sailor Eddie Dew gets shipwrecked on an island which unfortunately has no listing on Expedia. Supposedly the all-female inhabitants are Polynesian, but both their skin color, figures and hair styles will make you think of early '60s co-ed cuties from someplace like USC - which indeed, the "actresses" probably were.Almost immediately one of the girls show him to "his" hut (and he didn't even have to make reservations!). When the queen tells him that there is going to a festival tonight I am thinking: this guy's luck just doesn't quit.However, the purpose of the festival seems to be to get their guest drunk, so they can hog tie him and prep him for execution the next night. Bummer. But what's this? Five other guys, apparently from the Negroes in Diapers Tribe (there's no other way to describe them), are paddling this way. The populace is terrified, so the queen lets prospective sacrificee Nani Maka cut Eddie down so he can grab his .38 and, in a bit of John Wayne marksmanship, drop all five at thirty paces without having to use the 'spare' bullet. He's a hero, and gets to have the run of the women there with the exception of the aforementioned Nani. Most guys would be content with that, but Eddie? Nooooo! So the Sea Gull - er, Sea God, is going to be angry. You have to wonder, why is it so many gods don't do -anything- except get angry?One also wonders about these girls; if they didn't like Eddie because he was white, and don't like these black guys either, well who do they deign to couple with?A lot of the reviews have laid into the girl who plays the queen, Trine Hovelsrud, some of whom didn't think much of her looks. Okay, she reads her lines off a cue card in a monotone, but with a name like that English was probably not her first language. And I disagree about her looks. She had a pretty Queen Next Door face, an appealing bob (there had to be a hair salon somewhere that we don't see) and the best legs on the island.This, and "Fiend of Dope Island," make a peerless double bill for late Saturday night trash viewing and fodder for your internal Crow T. Robot. Rent them.

I rented the DVD to get "Fiend of Dope Island", but "Pagan Island" turned out to be more fun.The best part of the "action" is the plethora of lovely island girls running around topless but covered by numerous huge leis. I can hear Barry Mahon directing them "okay, girls, we don't wanna go too far here, so whenever you move, I want you to hold on to them leis, okay?".And, darned if they don't.And what a surprise -- Nani Maka is played by -- Nani Maka!!! What are the odds?Too cute even if the acting is God awful.

"White man no good" replies one of the thirty (curiously enough, anglo saxon) island sea girls, upon the arrival of a ship wrecked boat boy. And, wouldn't you know it, he falls in love with beautiful Princess Nani Maka only days before she is to be sacraficed to the Angry Sea God. What will Queen Kealoha say? Not much, as most of her horribly read dialouge is from a cue card.One man alone with thirty native island girls does sound inviting, but this schlock-ridden island safari is for cheesey movie fans only. "White man say I built like small brick house" is one of the many hilarious lines delivered by the island beauties, (handpicked by Betty Page photographer, Bunny Yeager!) which despite a low budget, managed to be scored with gorgeous Les Baxter inspired music.