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Best movie of this year hands down!

A Disappointing Continuation

It is neither dumb nor smart enough to be fun, and spends way too much time with its boring human characters.

It is an exhilarating, distressing, funny and profound film, with one of the more memorable film scores in years,

It's the film that makes PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE look like a professional masterpiece and has to be one of the worst, albeit most unseen, movies ever created. It's certainly one of the crudest. Up until now, I had considered NO SECRETS! to be the worst British comedy film that I'd ever watched, but all that changes with QUEEN KONG, a film so bloody awful in absolutely every respect that it should be a must for every movie-goer, in order to make them aware of the skill that goes into everyday movies.Conceived as a spoof on the recently-released remake of KING KONG, starring Jessica Lange, QUEEN KONG was shelved after producer Dino De Laurentiis threw a fit and restricted the film's release wherever he could. Even today it remains a little-seen movie, more talked about than anything else. Judging by the state of this movie and the wave of stupid sex comedies which filled the British market back in the late '70s, our film industry was in a terrible state - something from which it hasn't really recovered.Robin Askwith stars as 'Ray Fay' - the screaming male lead in this gender-bending variant on the classic tale, which follows the plot of KING KONG very closely indeed - so much so that you know exactly what's going to happen. However, along the way they throw in lots of jokes that fall repeatedly flat - I can't think of one intentionally funny moment in this entire film. Things reach a new low with an EXORCIST joke which really highlights this film's level of humour.Askwith, incidentally, was never much of an actor - his acting consisted of mugging at every opportunity - yet even he seems good here, in comparison to the rest of the abysmal cast. Rula Lenska is the irritating female lead, an obnoxious director with her own agenda, and her acting is terrible. There aren't any other principal characters, and only a couple of other blokes in the thing. The other stars are a bunch of interchangeable actresses who run around a lot in bikini tops and skimpy shorts - it's that kind of movie. Look hard and you'll spot the ever-lovely Valerie Leon as a native priestess or something, in a new career low for her. I'm not surprised she gave up acting shortly afterwards. Linda Hayden also cameos as a singing nun for no particular reason, for about a minute before dying.As well as the non-direction, shoddy editing, and tinny, inappropriate music, the special effects in this film are appalling conceived and make the ones in DR WHO look like visual masterpieces. QUEEN KONG is obviously a man in a tatty-old ape suit, who walks around in some over-size sets on occasion or alternatively is back-projected in front of tiny, running people. This is rather obvious due to the bright blue screen behind her every time this happens. The prehistoric "monsters" that Kong fights in the jungle are pitiful, especially a rubbery Tyrannosaurus rex whose jaws bend back and forth with the slightest touch. Just when things can't get any worse, a rubbish Pterodactyl appears, sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, depending on the prop they were using. I realised then just how good the effects in AT THE EARTH'S CORE are in comparison.However, for me, one special effect in particular highlights the cheapness of this production. We see an obvious model of Kong being pulled down the River Thames, wrapped in chains, on her arrival to London. At this particular moment, somebody swoops a toy helicopter past the top right of the picture. I couldn't believe my eyes and had to rewind this scene to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but yes, it is a model helicopter up there, with the top hidden to avoid the hands of the man holding it. Just one poor moment of many, QUEEN KONG is a truly pitiful film, only worthwhile as a curiosity, in the same way that people crowd around road accidents in a morbid way. For a much more fun British take on the Kong legend, check out 1961's KONGA, complete with a hamming Michael Gough and equally dodgy special effects - but at least they had some money and made an effort in that particular film.

"Queen Kong" has been hard to find on DVD or even video until very recently. Sadly it really isn't worth the effort, but there are many laughs to be had at how bad it is.The film parodies the exact same plot as the famous classic, the twist here being that all the genders have been reversed. I don't think that would ever have worked as a movie, but as the budget here is so excruciatingly low, it is doomed no matter how funny the jokes are...and they are NOT. The general tone is something along the lines of a1970's Benny Hill special, most obvious in a scene when the lady jungle explorers walk past a giant Muppet-style animated plant tendril which proceeds to grope them in the boobs and bums as they jiggle past, squealing in light hearted protest. Yes folks, it really is that low. Well maybe that's harsh, in fact "light-hearted" is quite an apt description, as nearly all of the cast behave as though they are convinced that nobody is ever going to see this movie and they all just enjoy themselves without trying to actually do any acting at all.I'll take Rula Lenska out of that observation though, as she does actually apply herself to the thankless role of "Luce Habit" the movie director and big game hunter, even though the lines she has to say are all toe-curlingly awful. It seems to me like the whole movie script was worked out on one evening in a bar and written on a napkin. In contrast to Rula Lenska, Robin Askwith behaves like he's got no brain at all.The giant ape herself doesn't look too bad (yes - I was surprised too!), but no real effort is made to make her look 64 feet tall...she's constantly filmed next to very ordinary bushes and shrubs that never look remotely like full sized trees. Amazingly, there are some very large and not too shabby miniature sets made up to look like Tower Bridge and other parts of London, but sadly the budget must have been used up on making Tower Bridge, as when Queen Kong climbs Big Ben, they blend her image with just a photograph of the tower, and we only ever see the pointed roof in close up! What really screws "Queen Kong" into the ground is the really, REALLY, bad jokes in the script, which honestly would have been turned down by even the lamest TV sitcom. Very funny jokes would have made the threadbare production values bearable, but as it stands there's nothing good coming at you from any angle. Only the rarity of the movie makes this DVD worth tracking down.

Frank Agrama, the director of this spoof on the King Kong theme is better known for his wildly searched horror of 1981 Dawn Of The Mummy. But before that he left us with this weird British remake of King Kong on a extreme low budget. Just look at Kong, just a man in a suit. And there is singing in it, there is a bit of inside jokes in it, this isn't a horror to be honest even as it is stated on the box, full uncut. But everything you see in the original King Kong they remade, the fight with the Tyrannosaurus Rex is unbelievable, it isn't done in stop motion but it's again, well, a man in a suit. But being so stupid and badly done you really want to see this cheesy piece of stupidity. The acting is okay, really, if you can catch this than you just wont believe that this kind of flick could be made in the seventies, really looks like a Carry On...but still, it's out there to be seen, well, see it.

SPOILERS INCLUDED Queen Kong is a film I'd long given up hope of ever seeing,now that I've seen it I've just given up hope. Jokingly aside viewing this long lost Italian financed,British shot monster spoof complete with Come Play with Me-like musical numbers the term ‘jaw-dropping' seems to spring to mind. Dreamed up-no doubt after one too many Martinis-as a ‘feminist' take on the original King Kong with all the male and female roles reversed,Queen Kong fell foul of producer Dino De Laurentiis who felt the film would bring shame on his $24 million dollar remake of King Kong. Why Queen Kong should be singled out for the lawsuit treatment is open to speculation-the film hardy stands alone what with the likes of A*P*E,The Mighty Peking Man and surely worse offender of them all Yeti-Giant of the 20th century all riding on the Kong bandwagon. What seems to have separated Queen Kong from the rest is that while all of the above have their fair share of unintentional hilarity,Queen Kong is meant to be a comedy right from the start and comes across as a merciless leg pull at the expense of the original King Kong and by association Laurentiis's remake. Ultimately Laurentiis and his lawyers were (mostly) successful in having the film suppressed-all that emerged in Britain was a tie-in novel meant to promote a film that was anything but ‘coming soon'. So the world was denied the exploits of feminist filmmaker Luce Habit (Rula Lenska)and wimpy hippy Ray Fay (Robin Askwith) who gets roped into becoming her new lead. The pair set sail for darkest Africa onboard Luce's boat (‘The Liberated Lady') which comes complete with an all singing,all dancing female crew. Arriving in ‘Lazanga, where they do the konga' the liberated lady's crew come across a gorilla worshipping tribe lead by Valerie Leon (in what's essentially a reprise of her role in Carry on up the Jungle). Deciding that Ray would make a more fitting birthday present to their idol than the toothless wonder they had lined up,the tribe stuff Ray into a birthday cake and he's soon being whisked away by 64 foot gorilla Queen Kong who resembles a giant teddy bear with tits. In-between falling in love with Ray,Queen Kong has to fight off passing dinosaurs (‘it's a terrywotsit' cries Ray) in sequences that make it clear that wherever the purported $632,000 budget went, it certainly wasn't on the special effects. Sneaky Luce and her liberated ladies manage to snatch Ray back and the gorilla ends up chasing the cast through the jungle only to wind up captured and shipped off to London. Silly,silly and did I mention silly. Under the direction of Egyptian Frank Agrama (best remembered for his 1981 gore opus ‘Dawn of the Mummy'),Queen Kong seems to have been attempting to mine the same vein of ‘Anglo-centric' humour popularised by Monty Python and The Goodies. Seen today through this feels more like a precursor to the anything goes ‘Airplane' school of comedy,with too many visual gags to digest in one viewing and contemporary film parodies (Jaws,The Exorcist) thrown into this mixing bowl of the good, the mistimed and the cringe-worthy for good measure. Inevitably there's also an Airport parody where in what can hardly to described as a career highlight Linda Hayden plays a tuneless singing nun. The bad news is that as a comedy Queen Kong generally misses the mark,less genuinely funny the film has to settle for being entertaining in a ‘what were they thinking' manner. The best way (and possibly the only way) to approach Queen Kong is like a big budget pantomime on film,in which a naggingly familiar cast of British comedy regulars gamely make fools of themselves solely for your amusement. At a preview screening a less-than-impressed Rula Lenska reportedly told Askwith that their careers would be a complete shambles if this were ever shown to the general public. And both probably breathed a sigh of quiet relief when Dino inadvertently stepped in to spare their embarrassment. Or at least he did until bootlegs of the film started doing the collectors circuit rounds a few years back,and now the film has finally received an authorised DVD release from Retromedia. Thankfully-given the overall quality of some of Retromedia's previous acquisitions-the DVD is nothing to be ashamed of. Extras include the Italian trailer and an audio commentary from Agrama and American B-movie mogul Fred Olen Ray. Agrama has some interesting tales to tell about the film's financing as well as Laurentiis lawsuits that hit the film and ironically prevented Queen Kong from playing anywhere but Laurentiis' native Italy. Unfortunately Agrama's memory gets somewhat clouded when it comes to remembering dates and actors. Which leaves aficionados of 1970's British exploitation films the legwork of identifying Queen Kong's support cast of secondary starlets including Virgin Witch star Vicky Michelle,Anna Bergman (Ingmar's daughter-nicknamed in one of her films ‘that Viking bird') and Bergman's Come Play with Me co-star Marta Gillot among others. Also worth a tiny mention here in an early scene where Askwith tries to buy,but in the end just opts to steal,an original King Kong poster. This was shot at a movie nostalgia shop in Brewer Street that after more than 25 years looks pretty much the same. If you're ever in London the shop is well worth a visit (especially the dingy basement)although like Ray Fay before you,you might find their prices a little high. Wonder how much they'd sell a Queen Kong poster for? Without a doubt,Britain's snobby film critics of the day would have made mince-meat out of Queen Kong had it ever seen the light of day back in the 1970's. Will today's audience react more favourably?-only time will tell. Certainly worse films have had a cult following built around them,but if all else fails the film provides its own fitting epitaph when at the height of all this long suppressed monkey business Askwith remarks ‘we came to make a movie, but we've created a farce'.