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Such a frustrating disappointment

Save your money for something good and enjoyable

When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

The joyful confection is coated in a sparkly gloss, bright enough to gleam from the darkest, most cynical corners.

The second horror film from Chinese director Tsui Hark (after 1979's BUTTERFLY MURDERS) is a crazed, madcap variation on the old Texas CHAIN SAW MASSACRE theme, with a gang of insane masked cannibals wielding meat cleavers making life difficult for our hero, the oddly-named 999. 999 is a kung fu fighting hero (is there no other?) who is searching for the equally bizarrely-monikored Rolex (just who chose the names in this movie?), a missing criminal who has vanished into a remote island off the coast of China. What follows is like one live-screen cartoon as 999 and his various friends repeatedly fight off attacks from dozens of hungry cannibals, who themselves are starved of food due to the rule of their nasty leader, the power-mad Eddy Ko (from John Woo's HEROES SHED NO TEARS).This bizarre, one-of-a-kind movie has plenty of diverse ingredients to recommend it. Unusually for what is primarily an action movie, there is plenty of characterisation and throwaway lines for both the good guys and the villains, and the acting is of a strong standard throughout with plenty of amusing performances. Hark mixes plenty of well-choreographed martial arts into the film's formula, as 999 fends off a dozen cleavers and battles it out with the leader of the village. The film has a distinctive visual style, with the emphasis on the bizarre and unnatural, and plenty of music is ripped off SUSPIRIA which makes for a weird experience. Not only are there a gang of gargoyle-like baddies on the loose, but there's also a sex-mad transvestite and twisted, contorted appearances a plenty. The film is fairly violent but with the emphasis on the humour in the violent scenes, with bubbling stews of human entrails and limbs being torn off. But in the end the wild mix of humour, horror, and kung fu comedy is what makes this concoction work.

We're Going to Eat You: 7 out of 10: Monty Python had a wonderful sergeant character that would come out during a skit and claim that the skit was getting to silly. He would have worked overtime on this film.Part Cannibal movie, part Kung-Fu flick and part slapstick comedy We're Going to Eat You has all the makings of a complete disaster. It's actually a fresh fun movie. Oh and it's definitely very silly.It actually starts out with both some serious gore scenes and some very competent kung-fu. But by the time the over-sized transvestite starts threatening our characters with a fate worse than being eaten the film devolves into a rare kind of slapstick. One that is consistently funny.The film breaks all the rules. Film characters with names like Agent 999 and Rolex should appear only in the absolute dumbest of comedies, a dainty woman eating a still beating human heart should be shocking not funny, and neither Abe Lincoln in blackface nor roller derby should ever be used during kung-fu fight scenes.Yet We're Going to Eat you has all these elements and more and still I found myself with a big broad smile on my face. This is one silly cannibalistic, kung-fu, action adventure film. Not that I necessarily want to see a serious one now I think about it.

Switching from gross-out gore, to slapstick comedy, to entertaining martial arts mayhem in the blink of an eye, 'We're Going To Eat You' grabs your attention from the word go and doesn't let go until the credits roll.Tsui Hark's second movie as a director sees Norman Chu as Agent 999 who, whilst tracking down the notorious bandit Rolex (Eddy Ko) on a remote island, stumbles upon a town inhabited by cannibals. Agent 999 spends the majority of the movie avoiding being filleted and served as a main course, only to be captured when he arrives back on the mainland. But with the help of some unlikely allies, some firecrackers and a couple of handy pairs of roller-skates, the good guys fight back and kick major cannibal ass!! This totally mad movie feels as though Tsui Hark made things up as he went along, but this only adds to the brilliance of the film—all semblance of logic quickly goes out of the window and it soon becomes apparent that anything might happen, and probably will.Even with the occasional lull in the action, the loads of blood and guts, nicely choreographed fights courtesy of Corey Yuen, and truly unforgettable characters (including a sex mad giant of a woman and some of the ugliest actors ever committed to celluloid), ensure that We're Going To Eat You is solid trashy entertainment from start to finish.

Of the Hong Kong directors who have been most highly regarded by critics and punters, I find Tsui Hark to be the most overrated. Even "Chinese Ghost Story", which has often been credited to Hark and is a very effective and surreal horror pic, was not directed by Hark, but was directed by "Naked Weapon's" Ching Siu-Tung."We Are Going To Eat You" has all the flaws of (most) subsequent and previous Hark movies. It is chaotic, repetitive and confusing. The characters are all exaggerated to the point of irritation and the so-called comedy is forced and shrill. There is a gratuitous overuse of wide, low angle compositions and much of the music is inappropriately loud -- one of the main cues, from Argento's "Suspiria" (by Goblin), is an often repeated offender.Hark leaves his audience no time to breathe or take in the atmosphere in this odd piece of "horror fu" which is a pity because the island location that hero Norman Tsui (Agent 999) lands on to search for a legendary thief, is suitably creepy and hostile. Unfortunately, every scene is attacked with a sledgehammer and every actor overreacts to everything. What you end up with is a film with no shading and no contrast, a loud blob of sound and picture serving no purpose but to assault the senses like an infant screaming into your face for ninety minutes.For gore hounds there is a bit of limb-lopping and copious blood is spilled, but there is zero suspense and endless martial arts fights that come across like low rent Jackie Chan. And speaking of Chan, many viewers will recognize the familiar "Project A" sets on display.Hark's debut feature "The Butterfly Murders" bored me silly and his follow-up "Dangerous Encounters" (aka "Don't Play With Fire") didn't impress either with its confused politics and sledgehammer style. His "The Lovers", however, made almost two decades later, is his finest achievement so far, a simple romantic drama directed with admirable restraint and style.This film's mix of cannibalism, broad physical comedy and kung fu comes across as misdirected and awkward. I'd only recommend this to die-hard Hark or cannibal cinema completists. The rest should look elsewhere for their entertainment.