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hyped garbage

The best films of this genre always show a path and provide a takeaway for being a better person.

It really made me laugh, but for some moments I was tearing up because I could relate so much.

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

Private School is one of those movies which, all these years later, you just know that everyone who had anything to do with making it is embarrassed to have been involved. Heck, I'm embarrassed and all I did was watch the stupid thing. It's a teen sex comedy about the students at two private schools, one for girls and one for boys. The plot revolves around the boys and their rather pathetic attempts to see the girls naked. Antics ensue. Desperately unfunny antics. Even in the most horrible comedy movies there's usually a good laugh or two sprinkled in somewhere. Not here. There is nothing funny in this movie. Nothing. The movie features a young Matthew Modine who was very fortunate to salvage a career after appearing in this turkey and Phoebe Cates, fresh off her Fast Times at Ridgemont High bikini brilliance. Ray Walston, who played Mr. Hand in Fast Times, also pops up. Oh, how I wish I had just watched Fast Times again instead of sitting through this debacle of a movie.Aside from Modine, Cates and Walston the cast is made up of a bunch of nobodies, most of whose acting is so terrible it is easy to see why they had no careers to speak of. The closest thing to a somebody besides the aforementioned trio is Betsy Russell. It is her character, Jordan, who's the bad girl determined to break up the sweet, innocent couple played by Modine and Cates. Jordan's seductive weapon of choice? Topless horseback riding. Subtle. If nothing else that provides a memorable fifteen seconds of film. Of course if the best thing you can say about a movie is that a girl takes her shirt off and rides around on a horse for fifteen seconds you know it must be a truly awful movie indeed. There's also the obligatory shower scene which at least gives us a few minutes of relief from the movie's hideous dialogue, terrible jokes and incredibly uninteresting plot. Very early on in the movie one of the characters goes off to get herself a bag full of horse excrement. Seriously. There's a statement about this movie's quality right there. How would I succinctly describe this movie? It's exactly what's in that bag.

Absolutely horrible teen sexploitation retread imitating the "Animal House" antics except that some of the pranks are done by the women at an all-girls school. So, I guess they get equal opportunity to make asses of themselves in route to ye-old schoolwork(which they don't seem to have time for in this movie). In between the pranks, the storyline is about a young couple played by Matthew Modine & Phoebe Cates, who are planning their big de-flowering session and their jeolous nemises played by Betsy Russell tries to stop it from happening. Russell is her usual busty, top-dropping tease(which by the way provides the only real enticing part of the movie --- which shows you how good this movie isn't). Ray Walston, Sylvia Kristel & Martin Mull(in an un-billed cameo) carry on their tradition of being part of trashy movies by having bit parts that do nothing to carry out the story. We, of course, get see other nude body parts before the final credits roll (which is what we're watching the movie for, right??). I won't let you know whether the couple succeeds in their goal(in case you want to watch the movie), but it doesn't really matter because this movie doesn't have much to say except that we like to be teased(especially teenage boys whom the movie was obviously focused to despite the 'R' rating not allowing anyone under 17 in without a parent or guardian). Enough said, this movie is a total piece of trash that I had a hard time finding any redeeming quality, thus the 1 star.

In a genre that gave us many enjoyable films, Private School may well be the best of the bunch. There is something truly irresistible about a film that sets out only to entertain its audience. There is no hidden agenda or deeper meaning or political motives here. The people who created this gem intended only to make us smile and show us some skin and make a little money in the process. Some days, isn't that all a guy really needs? It's about time this one came out on DVD! The film deals with the social interactions between girls from Cherryvale and the young men from the nearby Freemount Academy. Of course when I say "social interaction" I mean sex. Simply put, the guys are trying to either score with the ladies, or at least get a good Polaroid of them coming out of the shower. The film has a serious undercurrent in how it deals with the relationship between Christine Ramsey (Phoebe Cates) and Jim Green (Matthew Modine). They are trying to lose their virginity under the best possible circumstances, but there are of course complications and misunderstandings. Christine's next door neighbor, the lovely and talented Betsy Russell, is out to steal Jim for herself using methods that would certainly grab any young man's attention. The resulting action plays out in the most satisfactory of ways.Private School scores on many fronts. The cast which contains many recognizable faces puts as much into their roles as they've done in any other films. The soundtrack featuring Phoebe Cates singing on two different tracks is much better than you would expect, as well. There is tons of random nudity so you will get your money worth in that department.Curiously enough, there is no DVD commentary by any of the actors in this film. Wouldn't it be fun to hear what Matthew Modine would think today about this early role in his distinguished career? And Martin Mull may have been hiding behind a beard for his little three minute cameo, but the appearance was well-appreciated! He must have snuck this little bit part in between takes of Mr. Mom that year.For those who may question the logic of the Hound giving all ten stars to this film: Heck, that scene with Betsy Russell topless on the horse was worth eight stars by itself!!! 10 of 10 stars.The Hound.

Private School (for Girls) is a teen sex-comedy that isn't particularly funny, and doesn't feature much sex. It is, however, an 80s teen sex-comedy and, furthermore, it is an 80s teen sex-comedy that stars the most gorgeous actress to have ever graced this earth, the delicious Phoebe Cates. For these reasons, I am willing to cut the movie a lot of slack.Christine (Phoebe Cates), a student at an all girls school, is in love with Jim (Matthew Modine), who is attending a nearby academy for boys. They are planning their first night of passion together but, when busty bitch Jordan (Betsy Russell) sets her sights on Christine's guy, they find that the course of true love n'er did run smooth (as some poet once wrote). Meanwhile, Jim's school buddies involve him in all sorts of crazy capers in a desperate attempt to see (and hopefully score with) as many naked babes as possible.Private School may not be the greatest example of its genre (I think that accolade goes to Fast Times at Ridgmont High, also starring Phoebe Cates), but it still has bags of 80s charm, a likable cast and, of course, loads of quality tits and ass on display! And although Ms. Cates keep herself mostly covered up in this movie, the vivacious Betsy Russell does her best to compensate by getting her ample charms out at the drop of a hat.Viewers are also treated to a great cheesy dance routine with the girls (clad in lycra leotards and leg-warmers) bending and stretching (to the song The American Girl by Rick Springfield), a real corker of a shower scene, the unforgettable sight of a topless Ms. Russell riding a horse in slow motion, and an appearance by Emmanuelle herself, Sylvia Kristel, who, unsurprisingly, plays the sex education teacher.Private School is enjoyably silly trash for those who love immature teen comedies with loads of nudity (ie., me!).