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Undescribable Perfection

Expected more

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

Talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic... "Future War" neither takes place in the future, nor is there a war. Discuss...Thank you Jewish Mike Myers in drag, now for a serious movie review.Once again, another piece of media trash that I came across via the schlock cinematic gateway that is Mystery Science Theater 3000. Crappy acting, no plot, really bad dialogue, and the film equivalent of shadow puppets, only with real (albeit poorly made) puppets! (I know that term is known as forced perspective, but shadow puppets are the reference that everyone unfamiliar with film terminology will understand.)Here's the story... A guy trapped on a stock footage spaceship makes his way to Earth via an escape pod. He's tracked down by "cyborgs" with mullets, mustaches, and gigantic chins who like to travel with dinosaur puppets that like to feast on fat guys and the homeless. A nun hits the guy with her car and nurses him back to health, all the while he somehow is able to learn the English language in a matter of days and for some reason knows tons of random quotes from the Bible. After a while of plotlessness, they decide to try and kill off the cyborgs and dinosaur puppets, and then apparently they do that, I don't know the movie doesn't explain that much, and then the guy's shirt rips off a few times, and then the movie just ends with an article about the guy becoming a teen councilor (would that really be news-worthy, even for a small quarter-of-a-page-long article in a local newspaper?).This movie just plain sucks! It's not at all original or clever in anyway. As the kind of bad movie that usually ends up on MST3K it's not campy, it's just crap. There's absolutely no reason to watch this on it's own without the riffing and occasional commercial or comical interruption. Believe me, it's necessary to give you a little breathing room, especially for this film. And the fact that most of the cast and crew hoped that the movie would eventually end up on MST3K just proves it's crappiness.

No, this isn't a good movie and it only fulfills its purpose for existence by serving as MST3K fodder.Buuutt...you gotta love the hand-puppet dinosaurs shot in forced perspective. Also, the cardboard TV news camera is ALMOST as funny as the pilots' controls in "Plan 9 from Outer Space". And the clincher has to be the Los Angeles drainage system, with wood slat walls and the most amazing plumbing job you've ever seen. (I would have given them an extra star just for putting together all that pipe, but I can't be sure that they did the work themselves.) Perhaps I'm just getting too old and I dislike current CGI FX too much, but I have to tell you that I liked the dinosaur FX in this film better than the truly cheap and tacky FX in the more recent "Zombieland". (And just how do all the fanboys put up with CGI crap like that? Are their brain melted from too many game sessions? Is this what people are readily accepting nowadays?) OK, anyway...this won't be for everyone, but it is a pretty funny film in its own right, even before MST3K got hold of it. (And the hooker-turned-nun who swears like a sailor is also pretty funny.)

Terminator meets Jurassic Park? Wow, That's a horrible combination. Shot in 1994 but not released until 1997.... Really? I wonder why? The most recently released film to ever be featured on the TV series "Mystery Science Theater 3000" . Not surprised at all.... Directed by Visual & Special Effects artist Anthony Doublin (From Beyond, Bride of Re-Animator, Team America, The Blob (88), Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie, & Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man). You would think someone who has worked on quality films like these would have a decent film himself but then you would be wrong. Then again it's happened before John Carl Buechler comes to be mind he has directed some really good stuff like Troll & Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood but the rest of his filmography is rather poor but besides that he's one of the best Fx guys ever so I guess that logic goes to crap. Most of the supporting cast is god awful & this has some of the worst set pieces in film history. Yes there are a few decent fight scenes & some good action but the problem is a lot of it is done in an abandoned warehouse full of boxes. Yes FULL OF BOXES, how lame is that? This film had so many boxes featured in that someone actually got credit as an "box wrangler" what a joke! Since the director is a Visual & Special Effects artist those were good for the most part except the Dinosaurs looked pretty bad but I've seen worse. The only reason I wanted to see this piece of crap was because the two top billing stars Daniel Bernhardt (Bloodsport 2/3/4, Perfect Target, Mortal Kombat: Conquest, Matrix Reloaded, & The Cutter) & Robert Z'Dar (Maniac Cop Trilogy, Night Stalker, Tango & Cash, Mobsters, & Beastmaster 2) who is only in the film for about 8 minutes. Stay away from this.

How can you not love a movie that starts out with the line, "...I would meet a man that would change my life forever. I would also meet a pack of dinosaur-like creatures in all shapes, forms, and sizes."?Dinosaurs explode in this movie. There is no way a movie containing exploding dinosaurs does not reign supreme over most movies out there.Sure, the acting is terrible. But it's also just right. You can tell the actors are honestly trying to enact their roles, although their abilities aren't expansive.This movie transcends bad. 'White Chicks' is a bad film. This film is infinitely worse. Yet, somehow, it manages to also be a great deal more entertaining. The cheesy special effects, the epic battles, I was never bored. Basically, if you can find a way to rent this or buy it at the dollar store, do so. It's totally worth it.