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So much average

Simply A Masterpiece

This movie was so-so. It had it's moments, but wasn't the greatest.

The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

Some people have the stuff for grandness; winning prizes as an athlete, making it big in the movies, becoming governor of California, just as an example. To others, the gods aren't as mild: wrestler, b-movie supporting actor and, well, governor of Minnesota.No, Jesse Ventura is no Arnold Schwarzenegger, and "Abraxas" is no "Total Recall".Both Ventura and Sven-Ole Thorsen, playing the antagonist 'Secundus', are good at one thing: they make excellent supporting actors for testosterone-filled action flicks, eventually dying heroic deaths or, if playing villains, dying rightfully bloody deaths at the hands of the hero. The thing that neither of them is good in: carrying a movie on their own.Thorsen as number one villain is about as fitting as the average Alaskan lumberjack (inside joke here), and Ventura, well, alopecia isn't necessarily something that most people associate with action-heroes (or galactic policemen, for that matter).There's no question that "Abraxas" is a bad movie – but now there's the question, is this one of the "so bad, it's good already"-case. Sadly, it isn't. It's just too plain boring to be "so bad, it's good". There is of course that famous scene, with Jesse Ventura cuddles up in bed – shirtless, the manly chest covered only with lots of even manlier fur – giving a small boy a speech about "two men, partners", but essentially, this scene is not so much "so bad, it's good" as it is plain creepy.I had the advantage of seeing the synchronized German version, so Thorsen was actually understandable and Ventura didn't sound like he's talking with a mouth full of marbles – not that the dialogue was brilliant either.I have to admit, I watched a lot of what most people would consider crap, trash or worst-movies, since an early age. Knowing fully well the difference between "good trash" and "bad trash", there's no doubt that "Abraxas" belongs to the second category. So, if I want to see Jesse Ventura, I'll re-watch "Predator", and if I feel like seeing Sven-Ole Thorsen, I'll just see "Conan the Barbarian" or "Gladiator" again – but I doubt I'll give "Abraxas" another view. I'll give it 2 points out of 10, though.

I have never seen a worst movie in my life. There is no redeeming quality what so ever in this "film" (I use the word loosely). The acting is that of a grade school play and the writing is not far behind. The plot is beyond terrible, an eleven thousand year old universe cop has to track down his partner who switched sides (not even really clear what the "other" side is). For the love of god please do not waste 90 minutes of your life on this, I would have rather been stuck in front of a TV with Battlefield Earth replaying for the rest of my life than have suffered through this piece of crap. We can only pray that at some point all DVDs and VHS tapes of this disaster will be rounded up and burned so that no one else will have to endure this mind numbing thing they call a movie.

And that's no joke! I ordered this last week, very anxious to see this in spite of it's bad rep. It finally came in today and I saw it! The best bad movie ever! Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe XD. Now, onto the movie. The movie centers around an intergalactic cop named obviously, Abraxas (Played by Jesse Ventura from Predator. He gets top billing in this as most of the movies he's been in like Predator or Running Man, he usually co-stars as a jerk who gets killed early in a movie) in pursuit of his ex-partner turned renegade, Secundus (Played hilariously by Sven-Ole Thorsen from The Running Man) on earth. We then stumble upon a young couple, the girl, Sonia Murray (Being played by Marjorie Bransfield) wants to keep her virginity, even though her boyfriend wants to get laid with her. Secundus then comes across the couple and tosses the boyfriend out of the car and drives off with Sonia. It is unknown what happens to the boyfriend aftewards. Secundus then asks Sonia if she's fertile and then rapes her by placing his hand on her tummy (WTF!?!) A few minutes later, she gives birth, but how did she do it without anyone to help her? Did she gag it out of her mouth or something? Later, she is seen at her house with her parents, who kick her out of the house because she doesn't know who the father is. Flash forward to Abraxas' home planet. Dar and Hite (Abraxas' dispatchers, would you believe it if I said that the guy playing Dar happened to be the film's director?) have discovered that Secundus has now broken out of his jail and escaped. So after some arguing, they send Abraxas to earth to pursue Secundus yet again. Secundus has returned to earth, 5 years after he impregnated Sonia, to search for Sonia's child, Tommy, who just so happens to be a Comator or something like that. He apparently, has the anti-life equation, which is capable of destroying a world. I don't think I need to go any further with the plot. I will say there are a lot of unintentionally funny moments, like Jesse saying "My Box has V.D." What's especially funny (unintentionally) is the movie's soundtrack. It's mostly soft jazz playing during the fight sequences, which is very unfitting for a fight sequence, yet laughable at the same time. There's also a somehow pointless scene of Secundus smashing some bottles of Pepsi (My favorite soda btw), which could explain why the movie happens to be sponsored by Coca-Cola, after he steals the Jeep from the camping family. Jim Belushi makes a quick and somehow pointless cameo as the Principle of Tommy's school. He did the cameo as a favor to Marjorie Bransfield, who plays Sonia. And towards the end, for no reason at all, while Secundus confronts Tommy in the warehouse, the song "Strong As I Am" (From "Manhunter") by The Prime Movers, is heard, and just like the Kenny G music playing during the fight sequences, it does not fit the scene at all. It works better in "Manhunter" than it does here.

FOXX! CRUISE! FORD! WASHINGTON! VENTURA!The face of the modern action-flick has now changed! This could be one the most influential movies in modern history. The stunning performances,Pepsi, the non-stop action, the half-naked-man-to-boy relationship. Don't forget one of the most quotable lines in modern film making..."my Box has VD, trust me". unforgettable! After viewing this movie i also had a strange craving for Pepsi-cola. Seeing as the only store in the whole movie sold only Pepsi and Pepsi related paraphenalia... if i could rate this movie i'de give it 11 thumbs up... i recommend this movie to everyone on earth. In fact, the bible is now obsolete now that man has ABRAXUS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!