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The Worst Film Ever

hyped garbage

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

Actress is magnificent and exudes a hypnotic screen presence in this affecting drama.

MISTRESS OF THE APES is one of many gender-twist versions of TARZAN that have been made over the years. In the hands of writer/director Larry Buchanan, this one's a cheap and entirely lamentable affair, with the sole thing going for it that it was filmed in Kenya. Don't expect any kind of wildlife footage or much travelogue footage either, because Buchanan's poor budget means that most of this is shot in close-up featuring just a handful of actors. The story is indistinguishable and for an exploitation film this is remarkably tame, with just a few brief nude and sexy scenes. The romance/sex scene with the ape-man is laughably conceived with the cheesiest softcore staging. Overall, this is a real dud.

This movie seemed to promise B-movie T&A. I don't remember it existing. In fact, I remember a tremendous dearth of it. What I do remember is bad acting, a stupid script, and a general lack of quality that could have been saved by a little follow-through and a little less restraint. I mean, all of the sex was implied and, by the standard of interspecies copulation, it was paradoxically chaste. And therefore, something I would expect to see on "USA Up All Night." They wouldn't even have the edit the thing.Personally, I know I couldn't bear through it again. But maybe I was expecting something a little more Russ Meyer. If the MST3K crew were still around it might make interesting material.

Okay, forget Ed Wood, Jess Franco or even Al Adamson. If you are interested in investigating quirky filmmakers, try Larry Buchanan. Perhaps best known for Mars Needs Women, The Naked Witch and TV re-makes of AIP drive-in classics, Buchanan was responsible for this quickly and cannily lensed piece of exploitation shot in Malibu State Park and "dressed" as Africa. Of main interest to fanboys is the presence of the exaulted Barbara Leigh as the wife of an unscrupulous profiteer. A knowing finger on the pause/slow advance button on the remote about 45 minutes into the movie will prove why she is so venerated.The story is not really worth detailing; just the elements that are intriguing or shocking: Stuart Lancaster plays his usual lecherous self, Barbara Leigh gets raped not once, but twice (and quite unnervingly, too), the young bride breast-feeds a "near man" baby, and the recurring "Ape Woman/Ape Love" song that completely undermines any serious consideration of the subject matter. I mean, this is BAD 70s white-boy funk. Finally, the miscogenation of the lead actress with one of the "near men" is enough to raise some eyebrows.The dialog--as is usual for a Buchanan opus--is priceless and quoteable. To detail these joys would be gilding the lily of audience investigation...My source is an OOP video from Pan-Canadian (cover by Boris Vallejo!)

I don't know about you, but I sat through a good thirty minutes of this movie without a complaint. Why? Because, I felt it would have been a worthy investment to sit through the terrible opening of the film, with its terrible story line and its terrible acting, just to get to see Jenny Neumann have sex with an "Ape Man." I never got to see it because it never happened. I don't know what version you guys watched but I sat through a 90 minute badly lighted movie with hopes to see 30 seconds of a nudity. Was it worth it? No. But it has been on the video rental shelf for the past 20 years and still gets rented because of that fact. By reading the title and looking at the front cover, there is hope that there's going to be at least one animal sex scene in the movie.