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Simply Perfect

If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

Gothic Horror rises from the grave with this tepid tale with a plot you've perhaps watched several times before, maybe. I don't know you.It plays out like many a gothic horror - a recently graduated scientist (and woman - progress!) passes through a village looking for a lift to the nearby mysterious and creepy castle. Strangely, no one wants to give her a lift and everyone's too busy mourning over the coffin of 'another victim' to help her. Only one kind man gives her a lift, only to tell her she'll be killed in the castle before trying to rape her. She gets away, however, but doesn't get an nice welcome at the castle. The Count there is carrying on research his brother was doing before the brother turned himself into a kebab and died. The new Count isn't happy that his new assistant is a woman, but she convinces him that her credentials are as legit as any man's, so he reluctantly lets her stay. The lady he lives with isn't so happy, however. This film was really boring so let's get it over with - Girls are going missing and turning up dead and everyone's blaming the Count, the scientist lady falls in love with him and we spend too much time with the police getting hassled by the citizens of the town to do something about the killings. There's also a twist so obvious that you'll receive and email about it a week before you watch the film and very little happens until about an hour of the film has passed.If you want to watch a film with a similar plot, but also completely mental, watch the 1974 film Mania.

This is the second José Luis Merino film I've seen this week and comparing the two, SCREAM OF THE DEMON LOVER is much more sexual in nature than TERROR OF THE LIVING DEAD due, no doubt, to the Italians being involved. DEMON LOVER is also set in the nineteenth century and stars Erna Schürer as a kittenish chemist who's come to Baron Dalmar's medieval estate to assist him in trying to bring his dead brother back to life. The villagers warn her that the Baron is killing women and ripping them to shreds after consensual sex but she stays on anyway, even after being drugged nightly and put on a rack in the dungeon (?!).Although it's nowhere near as atmospheric or entertaining, the movie owes something of a debt to Mario Bava's THE WHIP AND THE BODY and it's fascination with sadomasochistic mise-en-scène. The Baron and his hounds cut a dashing figure atop the grand staircase and sexy Schürer shows her globes a lot but she's outshone by the exquisite Agostina Belli, who also bares her boobs in the secondary role of a castle servant.Erna Schürer was born Emma Costantino in Naples, Italy and modeled for "Vogue" and "Harper's Bazaar"before appearing in the popular "fumetti" foto-comic "Satanik" in the mid-60s. Placed under contract by movie producer Alberto Grimaldi, Erna spent most of the '70s cranking out "classics" like EROTIC CONFESSIONS FROM A WOMEN'S PRISON, YOUR HANDS ON MY BODY, STRIP NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER, MY PLEASURE IS YOUR PLEASURE, and DEPORTED WOMEN OF THE SS SPECIAL SECTION before more-or-less disappearing from the cinema scene. There's no birth or death dates given for Erna on IMDb and there's precious little about her on the worldwide web, either, for that matter. Today, Schürer's sure as sh!t a GILF somewhere (unless she's split the scene, if you know what I mean).

Blood Castle AKA Ivanna AKA Scream of the Demon Lover (easily the film's best title, in my opinion) is a Gothic Euro-horror that, being a product of the early 70s, is able to spice up the more traditional goings-on (creepy castle, prowling monster, creepy housekeeper, hidden torture chamber etc.) with female nudity and a touch of mild bondage whenever matters threaten to get a little dreary.The film begins with the brutal murder of a young woman—the sixth girl to be butchered in the area in under a year—with the finger of suspicion pointing at ladies' man Baron Janos Dalmar (Carlos Quiney), who has had dalliances with all of the victims. Despite all the killings and the subsequent rumours, beautiful biochemist Ivanna Rakowsky (Erna Schurer) isn't deterred from assuming her position as the baron's assistant, helping with his experiments into regenerating burnt flesh: even when the baron tries to send her packing, having hired her unaware that she was a woman, Ivanna insists that her contract of employment is honoured.During her stay in the castle, Ivanna suspects that her every move is being watched, and experiences terrifying night-time 'hallucinations' (or so she is led to believe) in which she is stripped naked, tied up and groped by a hideously scarred man; she also falls in love with Janos, but is still not completely convinced of his innocence, believing him to be suffering from a split personality—at least until she discovers that the baron's brother Igor, supposedly killed in a fire, is still alive and living in the castle…Yup, you guessed it... it's Igor whose been slicing up the girls. With his manhood destroyed in the blaze and a face like a week old pizza, he's insanely jealous of his bro's success with women and is doing his best to spoil the fun.Although José Luis Merino's direction isn't quite as stylish as many an European Gothic horror, his wise decision to show as much bare female flesh as possible goes a long way to compensate, with the lovely Schurer frequently getting naked for the camera and gorgeous brunette Agostina Belli, as Janos' infatuated maid, shedding her clothes for a roll in the hay with her master. Hell, even middle-aged house-keeper Olga (Cristiana Galloni) strips off for Janos in an effort to get some.The hideously disfigured Igor is also a lot of fun when he finally shows his face (he's the one who has been abducting Ivanna at night and tying her up for a fondle, if you hadn't already guessed): in the thrilling finale, the twisted, emasculated freak (surprisingly decent make-up effects making for an effectively repugnant killer) tries to attack Ivanna, struggles with Janos, and ultimately goes up in flames for a second time.6.5 out of 10, rounded up to 7 for IMDb.

I purchased the BLOOD CASTLE DVD on eBay for a few bucks not knowing what it was and all I can say is that I wasn't disappointed with this purchase. BLOOD CASTLE is one of those trashy European horror films that has almost no redeeming quality except for being thoroughly entertaining, for all the bad reasons. The opening alone was worth the price of the DVD: our heroine, Dr. Ivanna, arrives at the castle where she's supposed to help a scientist, Baron Dalmar, who does experiments on dead tissue. On her way to the castle 1) a man tries to rape Ivanna. 2) the castle's housekeeper fights with her. 3) the maid wants her dead. 4) and finally, Baron Dalmar nearly spits on her and wants her out the next day. Hmm...something tells me she's not welcome. With such a miserable arrival, you'd think Ivanna would leave the place in a NY minute but no, like so many great trashy films, our "headstrong" heroine decides to stay put and even enjoys a candlelight dinner with the grumpy Baron on that same eventful day. The intro is so over-the-top trashy (it's even greater than the memorable first few minutes of that Canadian film, JUNIOR) that I knew I was going to enjoy this.But the fun doesn't end there. Ivanna is repeatedly drugged whenever she goes to bed at night, only to wake up from unconsciousness, naked, bound and tortured in mild sessions of S&M by an unseen man. Even after experiencing these nightly S&M sessions, Ivanna stays at the castle, dully convinced by the angry Baron that what she's experiencing are nothing more than dreams. To be expected, even after being treated so badly from the get-go, Ivanna, falls in love with the Baron. Ivanna completely disregards anything negative about him, including the obvious fact that the dour Baron is popular with the young ladies. Every women at the castle (it seems only women work there) is in love with the miserable chump, who doesn't mind taking advantage of the pretty young things. Things get even sillier as someone lurks around the estate and kills (and has been killing) women. Basically, the Baron's physically disfigured brother, Igor is responsible for everything. In a very long winded scene, the brother warns the Baron he should not get too involved with Ivanna or he'll suffer the consequences. So what do the Baron and Ivanna do about this? Well, they get married of course! During the very brief marriage ceremony, the Baron is shot by one of the angry locals (father of one of the dead girls). But all of this doesn't deter Ivanna, who, amidst all the dead young ladies and torture surrounding them, cheerfully comforts the hurt Baron that "it's just a flesh wound" and the two can go on and enjoy their honeymoon at the castle, where the killer/rapist/torturer brother is. The whole thing quickly devolves into a nightmarish love triangle of sorts, between Ivana, the Baron and Igor. Blame it all on love!Anyway, you get the idea: subtle it's not. Almost everything is over-the-top ridiculous in this film and when it's not OTT, such as the predictable climax, things get a tad boring. But for most of the film, the director or writer revel in one illogically trashy moment after another. I really love these kind of films, everything as subtle as being hit over the head with a sledgehammer, and populated by characters behaving illogically. Even those who made the Retromedia DVD realize this and when you go to the scene selection section, we hear one of the funniest bits of dialogue from the dubbed movie looped endlessly. The production values are beautifully risible. The opening and closing credits, with those candles and red curtains...ah, a soupçon of class. The music sounds sometimes like something from a Tim Burton film, which only adds to the oddness of it all. And customary to these kind of films, when the young ladies take off their clothes, they just beg to be killed.As a standard film, I rate this a 2, but as a "it's so bad it's good" film, I rate it a solid 8 stars. If you enjoy trashy films, please watch this one. It's a must see. The only thing left for me to ponder about it: what would it have taken for that woman to get out of that freaking castle?