Watch The Vineyard For Free

What makes it different from others?

Surprisingly incoherent and boring

This movie feels like it was made purely to piss off people who want good shows

Great example of an old-fashioned, pure-at-heart escapist event movie that doesn't pretend to be anything that it's not and has boat loads of fun being its own ludicrous self.

Dr. Elson Po (James Hong) is one of the world's most famous wine growers. He has a magic potion which has kept him handsome and alive during the centuries. However, lately the magic which rejuvenates him seem to be less and less effective.This film was written by, directed by and starring James Hong. So if you are a Hong fan, this is the picture for you -- he brings an angle to horror that I certainly have not seen elsewhere. I am not sure if you can call him Chinese-American, since he was born in the United States, but he has made an American film with Chinese roots -- possibly a unique feat in American horror.Some of this was pure 1980s. Hong's dance in the mask at his 1980s party was pretty weird, and the music certainly amplified the weirdness. The special effects range from good to bad. I liked the masks and makeup, but some of the "electricity" just looked terrible.

Maybe you've always wondered, "what would it be like to cross Big Trouble in Little China with Enter the Dragon, and maybe added zombies?" If you have, then here's your ridiculous varietal.Reprising his role as a mysterious, magical, and ancient Chinese sorcerer, James Hong is a successful, supernatural vintner on a secluded island, with a small army of martial arts henchmen ready for his every evil command. Naturally, his villainy is all about killing hotties to keep him immortal. And for some reason, zombies are essential to his vineyard. Also necessary for the fermentation is a fresh kill in the wine vat. I'm no enologist, but I think there's easier ways to make tastier wines - and more coherent plots for better movies. The "special effects" are the special needs children of film making, largely involving cut- aways to rubber masks. The few martial arts scenes are without any grace or choreography. And while the plot premise could have been promising, its execution is truly disappointing. But, If you like crapulent acting, hilariously awful dialog and cheesy synth soundtracks from the 80s, this movie could be your Chateauneuf du Poo.

In the first 5 minutes of this film, we go through about five different genres of movie, including romance, revenge, zombie, mad science, and kung fu action. And the pace doesn't really slow down.Evil Dr. Po has been magically keeping himself alive by drinking the blood of young people, and he's James Hong to boot! Apparently Mr. Hong helped fund the picture, and that might explain why he gets to fondle and maul all of the nubile young actresses on the set. Good for him I guess.He has a staff of serial-killer kung-fu warriors (my favorite one is Black Ponytail Guy), and he's invited a bunch of useless trust fund babies to his isolated vineyard in order to drink their blood. I mean, presumably there is some ostensible reason they come, but I've seen this movie about 5 times and I have not yet figured it out.They have a party, and then start disappearing. There are loads of gratuitous scenes. Like, if Mr. Po wants to drink their blood, why does he curse one girl with the Spitting Up Spiders candy? And why does he keep his mummified-yet-alive mom in a spare room with no lock on the door? And why does he keep zombies buried in his vineyard? There seems no upside to that last one. And why does the zombie head which one girl sees vanish when she runs for help? And there's more.It's like 10 movies in one. Whatever your tastes, The Vineyard can fulfill them. I do admit that it is a little slow while we're getting used to our ostensible heroes (the trust fund babies), and I have never been less interested in a hero's backstory than I was in these losers. Dr. Po more than makes up for it, cackling like a maniac, commanding his warriors into murderous deeds, and pleading verbosely to his Mayan god (yes I know) for long life.What a film. Not to be missed.

This contains minor SPOILERS, so don't read it if you plan to see this.I read an article in the TV Guide a few years ago where the magazine had talked to actor James Hong. In the tiny article (it filled about an 8th of the page), Hong mentioned that he didn't feel Hollywood offered him very good roles, but instead he typically got similar, stereotypical Japanese roles. When I read it, I nodded my head and said, `Yeah, he's right.' Now I really like James Hong, and I wish his career the best of luck, but if Hollywood stereotypes will keep movies like `The Vineyard' from being made, then I hope Hong is typecast forever. In 1989, Hong made this weird horror movie. Hong came up with the story himself, was a screenplay writer, and donned the director's hat! And what do you get in the first scene?---Hong having a sex scene! Maybe Hong just felt that Hollywood typecasts for old Japanese men don't include naked women, and he wanted to make a statement about that?Hong is a wine maker that lives on an island with his henchmen. Hong is centuries-old, using an amulet to stay young and needing the blood of young women every once in awhile. So he lures people to his island and kills them. This time, he gets a whole group of youngsters at his home for a really lame party. He uses magic to either kill or capture them, and decides he wants to marry one of the women. It's up to bookworm Jeremy to save the day. But he sure doesn't save the film.But wait! That isn't much of a horror movie! Well, that's because I haven't yet mentioned all the stuff in it that made absolutely no sense. Where to start, where to start? We can break out in song along the way…1. My Lucky Star: Let's see…we've got pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes…what are we missing in 'me Lucky Charms? Of course! Brown amulets! Hong has an interesting flashback about when he was a child. We learn that he killed his father to save his mother, but refuses to give her the magic amulet. Then we find out that his mother is a GODDESS! You heard me right. I guess that is trying to explain the origins of the amulet, but it only rouses up more questions that are never answered. It would have been better if the amulet had no origin. But hold on, that would ruin #2…2. Witchy Woman: See, Hong's goddess mother is still alive and kicking. The amulet made her young (much younger than it makes Hong) and without it she turned into a withered old woman. Hong keeps her locked up in a room in his mansion. It is not clear why he does that, since the two never have a scene together. But come on! Are we really to believe Hong keeps his mother with him as he moves from identity to identity each century? He hasn't been suckling for all these years, has he?3. It's Raining Men: Who are all these bodyguards protecting the estate? They must be working for money, but would any price be high enough to live on the desolate island where you were expected to kill people?4. Let's Dance: Next we turn to our saplings. Not trees, but the saps that come to the island. They are brought by some old guy with a bad accent who is quickly disposed of by the guards. Why did they come? Some of them are wannabe actors and actresses that have some kind of audition. None of them are very interesting. Still, the scene where they are introduced is sort of funny (one of the would-be actors only has a high school diploma to brag about), and I thought Hong's direction would be good. I would soon be let down. They have a party that night, and it is a really sour one with bad direction. Then there is Jeremy. He wrote a magazine article on Hong. Jeremy figures out what is going on quickly, based on some shoddy evidence he finds in books Hong has lying around. When Jeremy starts babbling about this, you would think Hong would kill him, but he constantly stops himself. 5. That Old Magic Feeling: To kill or detain the victims, Hong sends his guards, uses magic, or both. What he does strongly resembles voodoo. Where did he learn this? How does it work? Why does he use it on some people and not others? Why doesn't he use it in the end to snub the remaining people that are causing trouble?6. Now I'm Feeling Zombified: Now the real bad stuff. The women are taken to the dungeon to have blood extracted so Hong can stay young. He uses up so many people a day that you wonder how he can stay in one place for more than a week before people get suspicious. But why women's blood? The men are all killed and buried in the vineyard. The movie box says they fertilize the vineyard! They way they are buried made me think it would be like `Motel Hell.' But no, these bodies constantly rise from their graves, and the only way they can be stopped is if the guards douse them with `holy dirt.' I thought `Holy...' when I saw this part, but the word `dirt' did not follow it. The zombie make up isn't bad, but the whole thing made me fear I had accidentally rented `The Video Dead Part 2.'7. They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha!: When the last two bafflingly bad scenes were over, that is the line I was saying to myself repeatedly, because no one sane could possibly sit through the entire movie. I did, so expect my next review to come from the local asylum. Zantara's score: 2 out of 10.