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Good story, Not enough for a whole film

Bad Acting and worse Bad Screenplay

A story that's too fascinating to pass by...

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

This late-eighties slasher is slow to realise what it's supposed to be doing but is served with a nice slice of melted eighties cheese to the point where you can't help but like it. A wee bit.Cameron Mitchell is opening up a new camping park but someone or something is seemingly planning to stop that happening by killing the staff and the campers alike. For the record, Cameron kind of turns up at the start of this one and disappears, and does do too much either.His son (in the film at least) is on the staff and along with the ranger try to find out who's killing dogs, killing fat kleptomaniac campers, and wrecking the place. But who is this mysterious killer who looks like a wayward member of Motley Crue? It ain't very bloody and it ain't very booby, but it's worth a watch anyway. I couldn't help but enjoy it, even though the first three times I tried to watch it I fell asleep (it takes a good while to get cooking, this one). Watch out for Big Bill Smith in yet another cameo.

I think the makers of "Memorial Valley Massacre" may have been trying to capture the heyday of the slasher film even as the genre was on its last legs. Squeaky-voiced fat kid? Check! Slutty Girl? Check! Cameron Mitchell? Check! I'm just still not sure if they meant it to be a comedy or not.Plotwise, we've got people at a campground and some murders. But there IS a discussion about torrential rain that won't let up, even when it's obviously bone dry. It also becomes Memorial Day at 5am too. That reminded me of Slaughter High, where April Fool's day ends at noon. MVM has a decent body count but no real gore (at least in the version I have). And it seems to go on forever, even with a mere 90-minute runtime. Absolutely awful.

***POTENTIAL SPOILERS*** (Not that they'll hurt this trite.) My Mom has a tendency to buy some generally crappy box sets of generally crappy old, forgotten-for-a-reason horror movies that even the most ardent horror fans look at with confusion at the sub-substandard films listed therein. That's where I found this little gem. In a box set I swiped from my Mom. There's a reason some of these movies end up stuffed into half-assed box sets. Let me enlighten you on the many reasons this claptrap ended up stuffed away in a bottom-feeding box set.First off, wow. Just, wow. The movie starts off right from the gate with crappiness as the opening title is painfully lame. It's a "rustic" ye olde west style font with bright yellow and orange colors and a faked 3-D look. It slides into view from the right of the screen akin to the first PowerPoint presentation of a high school student who just learned how to have a text box slide into view. The film revolves around a national park/campground which, despite being unfinished, is now open for business. Most of this "terrifying" film takes place in daylight, by the way, so picture that atmosphere. Well, there appear to be some omens afoot, all of which appear to look bad, none of which are ever investigated—like the deaths of two dogs, theft from the park manager's office, a window knocked out of a storage shed, stuff like that. All manner of clichéd guests arrive and stay at this campground which, mind you, doesn't even appear to have camping spots fleshed out so that we are met with a montage scene of people haphazardly setting up camp, backing over trees, chopping down other trees (one of which, mind you, falls over below the level at which it was being cut) and stupid stuff like this, all accompanied with dreadfully happy music. Turns out, there's hardly a massacre going on here at all (another one of those old horror films with blatantly misleading titles to draw in an audience), just some stupid mountain wild-man dressed in cliché caveman garb who terrorizes people. By the way, he's also the long-lost son of someone important in the film—a fact which is all-too-easily figured out--so don't try to call me out on that as a spoiler. This film has all the clichés: The old guy who dramatically tells of mysterious backgrounds, the badass biker gang, the slutty chick and obnoxious teenagers, the tough guy connected to the plot twist, and the lone sweet girl who predictably falls for the "handsome" hero guy.There are some occasionally nice death scenes, but some of them could've used some foreshadowing or additional thought. There's a big trap built by the wild-man just like the one in Mel Gibson's Apocalypto (which I've also just recently seen) but some foreshadowing would've been nice to tie to the beginning of the film to the end—just like Gibson did in his film. Here, no such luck. The trap comes out of nowhere and makes little sense compared to extremely simple nature of the wild-man. There is no depth at all and the acting is just plain bad. Boring, mundane, clichéd characters that have little to say that's even remotely interesting or for that matter--plot relevant. Zero atmosphere. Also, I don't think a series of killings done over a few days by a scared/crazy guy trying to (apparently) protect his territory necessarily count as a massacre. Stupid things like the wild-man supposedly starting a tractor and allowing it to run into a building happen that don't make any sense. Hell, several people are killed by simply not walking away from their respective threats! The old man storyteller is set on fire and everyone just watches him run past in flames. No one tries to help him! They just watch him slowly saunter past with "Gosh! Look at that! It's bad!" facial expressions. Aside from a scant few fairly interesting kills and some partial nudity (in a sex scene where you really see nothing), there is no reason at all to watch this film. The base concept behind the story isn't terrible, but since everything else was just done way wrong, there is no redeeming value. Not recommended for anyone.2/10

A valley deep in the woodlands of the United States unveils its new campsite for people who have a yen to set out and...CAMP! Whilst there in this untouched wilderness, that looks strangely like any old campgrounds, campers begin to fall victim to a 20 year-old who has learned to survive and rough it in this untamed wilderness. He wears what looks like bear skins and has the most amazing buck-teeth. He uses big sticks to bludgeon a fat kid to death and spooks a beer-guzzling cyclist into a pit of sharpened stakes. He kills many others, but over the many years in the wilderness he has learned a few other tricks like pulling out the right cables and wires in a jeep, disarming a hut from its phone line, and, my favourite, rewiring an RV's outdoor gas supply so it combusts! Wow! The wilderness is not just a place to learn survival but also offers those skills one might pick up in a technical college. Let's face it, this movie is ridiculous and would you expect anything less with a title like Memorial Valley Massacre - by the way, these murders take place on none other than Memorial Day Weekend. Hasn't every holiday been used at this point as a vehicle for a bloodthirsty psycho? The film though is never trying to be anything other than light camp. None of the murders are done in any realistic fashion. There is little gore and none of it convincing. "Conan the Barbarian" looks just stupid as he hops about and grunts. The acting is appallingly bad with a largely unknown cast. One of the main leads is character actor John Kerry - not the man who ran for office - who plays a man with a dream of convincing a rich builder to transform this rich, "inner sanctum" of nature(actually a line from the film) - so he can drink beer/liquor, track animals, and find his son who was lost here 17 years ago. Kerry is bad but towers over some of the other performers. We get all the types in this one: the annoying fat slob who steals things and is a major nuisance to all, the beer-guzzling cyclists that are "rebels" of society with their wives dressed in Harley attire, three teens who just think about sex, an ex-military man with all the experience in the world and his buxom, dumb wife, the girl who will fall for the lead in the shortest shorts available at the time, the wise friend of the tracker with spooky stories and gems of good advice, and, finally, the smug young owner's son out to prove he is different from his rich father. What a bore! These actors are all acceptable(bad as they are)because the movie is trying to be campy(no pun intended) rather than serious. But why make a film like this? It really has no message, little real humor, no great cinematography, and a real crummy story. It's just silly without trying to be all out silly. Would someone ever want to see this a second time again? Not me. Cameron Mitchell has a small cameo in the beginning of the film playing the wealthy developer and William Smith gives the film's most enjoyable performance(not really a great feat) as the military general who likes hard liquor and watching army football games on his VCR.