Watch One of Them For Free

Wow! Such a good movie.

I like Black Panther, but I didn't like this movie.

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

The best films of this genre always show a path and provide a takeaway for being a better person.

Are you one of them? You know, the type that picks up cheap horror films in the hope of getting something good. I'm one of them. I picked up one of them hoping it was one of them good horror films, but it was only one of them okay horror films. The film I'm talking about is One of Them, one of them 'one of them' films.One of them starts out with a college kid walking down one of them typical American streets, being followed by One Of Them. She then shortly turns up dead and her uncle turns up in town looking for her, only to be asked (quite a lot) if he's one of them. Meanwhile a group of teenagers are driving about when they're driven off the road (One of them busts his leg up) and they all wake up in one of them sinister schools run by One Of Them. Or rather, a few of One of Them. There's a couple of strange teachers (both One of Them) and a brother and sister team who are all friendly like except, you know, they're both One of Them.So while Uncle guy is running around being asked if he's one of them, the teenagers are slowly finding out the hard way what's it's like to not be One Of Them. Of course, one of them is our 'final girl' (not One of Them) and the One of Them team square up to whoever's left of the teeny bopper team.While One of Them is one of them films that takes ages to get going is kind of ends good enough, with some gore (one of them gets sucked into a wood chipper, One of Them blinds a guy with a knife) and what not, it's not quite good enough to make the grade. It's okay though. One of them is also one of them 'surprise ending' films, so look out for one of them.

This flick has become a cult classic at my school due to it's uber-stupidity. The plot, or so it is, has to do with a bunch of teenagers on a road trip to who cares when their car gets attacked by a swarm of very phony looking locusts or something (if you watch close enough there is a cut where the characters are swatting and squirming and screaming but there aren't actually locusts in that cut. Ooops)and they get in an accident. When they wake up, they are in some kind of remote school or, excuse me, "not a school. Just an academy for troubled youths". The teenagers spend the rest of the movie either getting killed in hilarious, Sananistic-cult-type-ways or trying to escape, but you won't really care about the plot, you will be too pointing out all of the continuity issues, plot holes, and goofy lines.Take for instance, two of the characters (their names, like the plot, are inconsequential) are supposed to be siblings, but one has a southern accent (some of the time) and the other one is definitely British. The blood looks like strawberry Gatorade and the gore looks like diced beef--there is a scene where a character gets sucked into a wood chipper thats especially laugh-inducing--and you'll notice that the beginning shots of the movie have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the move.The closest this movie gets to genuinely creepy is a part were a girl is talking about impaling while sharpening a long wooden stick...but then she cuts a guy's eye open and what looks like jello-o squeezes out and it's back to the laughs.If MST3k was still going, this would be one of their targets. Rent it with other direct-to-video horror stinkers "Crocodile" and "The Glass Trap" and prepare to laugh yourself dumb and feel your brain cells dying.Overall rating: 2 out of 10 p.s. "You're DEAD! I SAW you! You were DEAD!"

I flagged this "review" as having a spoiler however I don't think anything I say could possibly spoil this movie. My only reason for writing is to report a "goof" and can't seem to find the proper form for that. So the spoiler lies in my saying this: There's a scene when Santigo and that creepy lady with the Avon lady fake grin all the time do their Hoo-Doo, Voo-Doo or whatever they call it on Charlene and get her to slit her own throat. She falls dead at their feet.Cut to a shot of a kid witnessing it and then to a long shot of the two cult people with the dead Charlene at their feet. Then the camera cuts to the witness running away. Anyway...in the final frames of the long shot before the boy runs away you can see the dead girl move. I'm not talking about an eyelid or cheek twitch either. She moves her arm in a position to push herself up to get off the ground and her head lifts as well. Its as if the director yells "cut" and the actor starts to get up but the editor let about 10 frames of film too much in the shot.

There are a vast multitude of sub-par crappy shot on digital yawn-fests littering videostore shelfs, and this is definitely One of Them. The story of a cult of dead teenagers attempting to turn other teenagers into One of Them is so incompetent in ever single aspect, that just watching One of Them try to act is a daunting task indeed. One of Them will put you to sleep before long with it's inane dull story, it's bad special ed effects, and it's apparent complete disdain for the hapless viewer. Not doubt that One of Them is putrid. If it seems like I've written One of Them too much in my review, you have no clue until you see One of Them. If you were to take a shot EVERY time someone said One of them or asked "are you One of Them?", you'd have to have your stomach pumped before the movie ends, which ironically is a better fate than watching One of Them.My Grade: F Where I saw it: Starz on Demand (available until September 29th)