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Touches You

A Masterpiece!

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

If you are in the mood for gore, guts and gloom, then this badly dubbed Italian horror film will be your cup of blood. But for those looking for anything remotely intelligent and even moderately comparable to the Mary Shelley classic will find this absurd. You can throw in any type of medical jargon you want in a script like this to come off with the facade of sounding intelligent. It's predictable from the start with a man-made creature going after women and brutally going after their insides like a kid would grab at a slab of cake. Not just morbid, but also disgusting and thoughtless, this represents the major reason why the films like this end up on cheapo labels and end up in DVD bargain bins. I'll take Karloff, Chaney or even Lugosi any day over this rubbish.

I don't know what I'm more appalled by - this nitwit concoction of horror porn or the idea that there are more than a dozen reviews of it already here by the time I write this. Actually, that might be a blessing in disguise for me, because now I won't have to get into what this monstrosity of a trash flick was all about. Except to add that the Frankenstein in question at one point received a testicle transplant to round out his assortment of body parts. Oh yeah, you didn't think I missed that one, did you? Nor did I miss the part about Dr. Schwartz's inability to reproduce the magical blue serum he invented that would prevent organ rejection following his transplant procedures. No Nobel Prize for this genius, he forgot to keep notes.This one's part of a twelve disc, fifty movie set of 'Pure Terror' films just put out by Mill Creek Entertainment that you can probably pick up at your local Wal-Mart or Sam's Club if you hurry. "Frankenstein 80" sounded like a pretty good choice to be my first pick but I know better now. Actually, this one tries to be so gruesome it's just laughably bad, and I did bust up more than once. A lot of it is subliminal, like when the monster attacks the butcher shop lady in the meat locker, and somehow she's suddenly down to her underwear as the freak clubs her with a giant soup bone. One's supposed to deduce I guess, that he just boned her before he gets around to doing the real thing. Boy, I can't believe writing these reviews has come to this.

Scientist Professor Schwarz (decently played by Robert Fizz) creates a serum that allows bodies to accept transplanted organs without the threat of rejection. However, said serum gets stolen by the nefarious Dr. Otto Frankenstein (a perfectly deranged Gordon Mitchell), who uses it for a patchwork man (hulking Xiro Papas in grotesque make-up) he's made out of assorted body parts. Naturally, the ugly creature escapes from the lab and embarks on a murderous spree. Director Mario Manchini, who also co-wrote the crassly pandering script with Ferdinando De Leone, goes whole hog on the disgusting graphic gore and leering distaff nudity. John Richardson makes for a likable hero as dogged reporter Karl Schem, the lovely Dalila Di Lazzaro provides some charm as the fetching Sonia, and Renato Romano is an absolute hammy hoot as the cranky no-nonsense Inspector Schneider. Sure, this flick is unmitigated sleazoid crud, but it's impossible to dislike a movie that not only features a fetching female butcher being beaten to death with a large bone and the monster doing just what you think with a hooker prior to killing her, but also tosses in a stripper performing a sexy routine on stage for trashy good measure. A satisfying sliver of blithely sordid schlock.

"A scientist is successful in creating a serum that allows bodies to accept transplanted organs without the threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the scientist's discovery is stolen and used by a mad doctor creating a patch-work man from various body parts. This bizarre creature escapes from the lab and sets out on a rampage of death and destruction with the police desperate to stop the crazed monster," according to the DVD sleeve's synopsis.Since this monster turns out to be a serial rapist, you have to wonder why Dr. Frankenstein didn't try to reverse the testicle implant he performs. Of course, that'd be killing off this film's baser appeal. Although incompletely made, "Frankenstein '80" has a storyline. You can see what bad direction, editing, and dubbing can do to an actor. And, the most gratuitous rape scene starts with a great line; the prostitute tells the monster, "You may have a limp when you walk, but I bet you don't have one in bed." ** Frankenstein '80 (12/12/72) Mario Mancini ~ John Richardson, Gordon Mitchell, Dalila Di Lazzaro