Watch 1313: Boy Crazies For Free

The Worst Film Ever

It's funny watching the elements come together in this complicated scam. On one hand, the set-up isn't quite as complex as it seems, but there's an easy sense of fun in every exchange.

Story: It's very simple but honestly that is fine.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

Another in an endless series of non-films made by David DeCoteau under the '1313' banner. This one is set in a pristine sunny mansion like the rest of his series, where a string of young, muscular, and impossibly good looking men wander around in their briefs and occasionally get tied to beds and the like. Former Scream Queen Monique Parent shows up as a vampire but there are roughly two scenes of plot while the rest is just gay erotica.

That is the best way to describe this movie and all the other teaser films that De Couteau has released in recent years. His hero is forever wandering a mansion around in a pair of white briefs so padded in the rear as to conceal every possible trace of a cleavage. His hunky house mates seem to favor square cut trunks as swim wear. It is long since time for Couteau's actors to graduate to skimpy Speedos as swimwear and bikinis or better thongs as underwear and please, nude in bed. And why when you have a young male in four point bondage would you allow him the dignity of briefs and even conceal his feet with socks?More skin please. For instance, once the lady of the house comes upon the young hero naked in the shower, what is the point of his continuing to wear shorts. Might as well go around naked full time, especially in bed and around the pool to work on his tan.

What on earth? Somewhere along the way, David DeCoteau hit on one plot--buff wooden young man is inducted into homoerotic group of sneering vampires--and decided to drive it into the earth. This version features endless shots of the "hero", Trent, wandering around a vacuously glamorous L.A. mansion in a pair of tighty-whities under blue light, while frenzied disco-music works overtime to convince us something terrible is about to happen. Nothing ever does. Every now and then one of the vampires or their queen drops a few lines about how fantastic it is to be immortal and powerful; I don't know about power, but this movie certainly portrays how boring immortality must get. There are two complete showering scenes (the camera pans up and down the main "character"'s abs while discreetly avoiding anything non-PG-13), but one loses interest in the cast even as eye candy very quickly; "Last Year in Marienbad" was more dynamic. It's like a porn movie with all the sex acts cut out.