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Thanks for the memories!

From my favorite movies..

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

At first rather annoying in its heavy emphasis on reenactments, this movie ultimately proves fascinating, simply because the complicated, highly dramatic tale it tells still almost defies belief.

A group of female friends (around 25 years old) are being stalked by a man who seems to be a boy they bullied at 12. People start dying, a detective tries to solve the mystery, and the girls start having differences between them. The main idea, despite simple, is not bad. But the script is actually dull and ridiculous. And the acting, as you can imagine with that casting, is painfully poor. The "monster" of this movie, is a character about which we know nothing. This means there are no fascinating psychic features in his personality neither strange behaviors, an interesting lifestyle, strong and weird motivations, not even curious aesthetic aspects. He is a standard man wearing a ridiculous Cupid mask, without breaks, grime or anything to make it sordid. Among the girls there are no attractive psychic profiles or intimate conflicts either. And, of course, there are some extremely soft erotic moments (no nudity neither sex involved) around Denise Richards' character (her neck is the wildest thing you'll see and that's why this Review's Title), completely gratuitous and disconnected with the plot. The killing scenes are pathetic. Victims behave stupidly like Carmen Electra's character in Scarie Movie. The killer has no sinister behavior. And the act of killing itself is often physically absurd and visually not depicted. To sum up, there is nothing terrifying, sinister or even dark in this movie. It's basically a dumb "horror" flick for kids to watch a Sunday at 9pm with mom and dad at the living room. Of course, shooting, sound design, cinematography, editing, wardrobe and locations are not interesting, sharp or expressive either. By the way, it is absurd that this film got Certificate 16 at the USA. It's one of thousands of examples proving that the MPAA must seriously revise their labeling criteria.

It's fair to say that 1997's 'Scream' reinvented the 'slasher' genre, breathing new life into something that was pretty formulaic and predictable. Then, four years later we have 'Valentine,' – a slasher movie that feels as if it belongs somewhere in the eighties at best. Either that or no one on the entire production staff ever watched Scream or knew about its existence.The beauty of Scream was that it listed all the clichés associated with the horror genre and did its best to subvert them. Valentine, on the other hand, seems to want to adhere to every cliché and be totally predictable.At the start of the movie we see a flashback from yesteryear where a geeky looking boy was (slightly!) bullied at a school prom by a gang of girls and then beaten up by some boys. Skip forward twenty or so years and he's out for revenge on the girls he perceived as his tormentors. Here's the first thing I noticed... I know we're hardly meant to feel empathy towards the (as yet unknown) killer, but these girls didn't really do enough to warrant their grisly executions. Perhaps that's meant to make us hate him more, I don't know. I'd have thought he'd need more of a reason towards his hated. I know there are some brief explanations regarding how he was sent away to an institution after the 'attack' but it's all pretty glossed over.So, the film is basically the adult girls being stalked and eliminated one by one. Naturally, they all hang out with a multitude of unsavoury men, designed to make us wonder which one is really the killer in 'disguise.' Another thing you may notice is the heavy marketing towards Denise Richards. I know nowadays it's a bit fashionable to hate her, but, back at the end of the nineties, she was pretty hot (commercial) property. Unfortunately, she's not really the star. This is a shame because she's actually quite fun and is by far the most memorable character on screen.The death scenes (bar one regarding the hot tub) are nothing special and certainly not imaginative and you'll probably guess who the killer is simply because you will. It's just obvious somehow, despite attempts at misdirection.You're really going to have to enjoy slasher films to really like this. Either that or just want to see Denise Richards in her prime! Otherwise, stick to Scream, its sequels and any vaguely better slasher flick.

Valentine (2001): Dir: Jamie Blanks / Cast: Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel: Mindless farce bent on scaring viewers with stupidity. This Valentine slashes people to pieces because he believes that romance is too old fashion. With an opening stolen from Carrie that eventually branches into I Know What You Did Last Summer with girls receiving threatening Valentines. This all leads to an ending where the killer is not caught but numerous teenagers are hacked to pieces. Directed Jamie Blanks with decent production. He previously made the equally horrible Urban Legend, so now he has two really bad horror films to his credit. Marley Shelton plays the airhead heroine who will figure it all out in the conclusion but not before viewers figure out that this is not a promising career move. Denise Richards is constantly having sex. How she got talked into starring in this is a mystery, but someone obviously owes her big time for this career blunder. Katherine Heigl, Jessica Cauffiel and Jessica Capshaw also star amongst the many airhead students who have nothing better to do than die in preventable ways. Like Urban Legend this film is devoid of any real terror and basically exists just to demonstrate various methods of killing people of low intelligence. Do your Valentine a favour and avoid this candy coated crap and watch Carrie instead. Score: 2 / 10

No Bones about it. Only an Angel could sit through this film. David Boreanaz's Valentine is one of those contemporary Slasher films that is riding off the coattails of 1996's Scream success. Rather than trying to be like its own movie, it follow a lot of the previous film clichés to the point that the film rarely stands out. If 1978's Halloween is a good example on how to make a holiday themed horror flick; Valentine is the worst. The film is loosely based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage. The novel's characters, settling and plot are very different from the film. The book is pretty awful source material, but at less if the movie follow more of it, the film wouldn't be as bad as it is, now. One of the film's biggest mistakes, is the way, they try to make it, suspenseful. The movie tries really hard to make you ask, who done it, but clearly can't pull it off. The killer, Jeremy Melton, is killing people because at junior high school prom. It was there, he was cruelly shot down by some really over the top valley girls. If that wasn't enough, he was then bully by their boy/friends. Instead, of going on a school shooting, the next day, the killers waits 13 years later on Valentine Day for some unexplained reason to get revenge on the girls. Honestly, I don't know why he waited so long. He clearly got over it and by this time, can get any woman, he wants. The movie doesn't really explain, what trigger him to kill them after waiting for so long, but hey, we wouldn't have a movie, could we. Another thing, why didn't he even bother trying to kill the real people that treat him badly. You know, the boys that strip him down and beat him? It's such disproportionate retribution. One thing, the movie does too much in the beginning is gives way too much information about who the killer is. Without spoiling it, It's pretty obvious who it is. Honestly, who in the hell would believe the killer is a girl, when you see that Jeremy Melton in the beginning? If he had a sex-change, he clearly wouldn't be any of the girls that dissed off the guy in the first place. So, by making one of the victim, a suspense of the murders, doesn't make any sense, movie. Then the movie has the nerves to give other list of red herring suspects that isn't even close to believable that they were the killer. If you thought, they were, they get axed off, anyways, so you can tell who it is, by the end. At less, make the fake out guys, seem like their death was needed because they were the bullies that hurt Jeremy, but no. They were just random dudes at the wrong place, wrong time. You really got nobody to root for as all the victims character are god-awful clichés horror stereotypes. The girls grown up to be even sluttier. Denise Richards as Paige Prescott fit the role, well, but isn't really giving anything new. She is just an awful typecast actress. Oh, and there's no nudity, in case you were curious. The women deaths throughout the film are bit an ironic foreshadowing. You would think the killer would be a little bit clever with the deaths. While, the kills are remotely alike, and he does use some really innovative weapons. It's nothing, we haven't saw before. Mid, while the killer is able to do a lot of unrealistic things like change clothes in seconds during attack scenes, and pulled off being at two places at once. While the concept of the masked killer is far from original, the cherub mask is a cool, creepy look. It could had been better. Director Jamie Blank really could had done, something about the pacing in this film. It's so damn slow. The movie put so much time on minor character's character development, that the main characters have very few of them. The soundtrack is pretty OK, but I don't think it add anything to the story. I don't find any of the main characters listening to Disturbed or Rob Zombie on their down time. The soundtrack compilation was even lampooned in a sketch by Saturday Night Live because how 'out of place' it was in the film. The movie even steal a Halloween style score in the beginning, but never truly use well. I thought it would add more a creepy feel to the film, rather sounding like a bad written heavy metal fan horror mystery film. I wouldn't say, it's the worst horror movie of all time, but don't expect to come in, hoping anything to stand out. It's just your typical slasher film. The original 1981's My Bloody Valentine, another Valentine's Day-themed slasher flick is a little bit better if you want something rather than a rom-com for Valentine Day.