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An Exercise In Nonsense

It's hard to see any effort in the film. There's no comedy to speak of, no real drama and, worst of all.

This is one of the few movies I've ever seen where the whole audience broke into spontaneous, loud applause a third of the way in.

The joyful confection is coated in a sparkly gloss, bright enough to gleam from the darkest, most cynical corners.

I've watched some utter codswallop in my time, but CROSS OF THE SEVEN JEWELS reaches new lows in almost every respect. This is a painfully bad attempt at an Italian werewolf film (I believe the previous attempt was 1976's NAKED WEREWOLF WOMAN) which would have been halfway decent had it anything resembling a budget. Instead, the film appears to have been made out of the director's loose change. Said director, Marco Antonio Andolfi, also acted as a producer, did the special effects (what special effects?) and took the leading role under a pseudonym, which would have been good had he possessed any movie-making talent whatsoever. Instead, all he has is enthusiasm, which sadly isn't enough.The painfully slow and poorly-filmed movie begins with a red-lit scene in a brothel which looks like it has come straight out of a cheap Asian porno. In it, S&M-clad cult members indulge in kinky sexual acts such as whipping. Presiding over the weird orgy is the craggy-faced cult leader, played by former peplum star Gordon Mitchell (BLOOD DELIRIUM). Poor Gordon. Undoubtedly the star's worst ever film appearance, he gets barely a line of dialogue here and for the most part stands around grimacing and occasionally gurning into the camera in inserts randomly stuck into the middle of other scenes.The incredibly wooden Andolfi stars as a middle-aged guy vacationing in Italy with his girlfriend when his magic lucky necklace is stolen by a petty motorbike thief. From here on, the rest of the film concerns Andolfi attempting to get his necklace back, by visiting all the local criminals and usually getting beaten up as a result. It goes without saying that the criminals are an utterly uninteresting and badly-dressed bunch and the terrible locations seem to use the same set every time, just dressed differently.After an hour of mindless wandering around and uninteresting tame violence, the film comes to an abrupt and unsatisfying end. The dull crime action (which also includes a plodding police investigation, God knows why) is occasionally punctuated with bursts of werewolf violence; the only reason to watch this film being to laugh at just how bad the werewolf in this film is.When reviewing the Peter Cushing film LEGEND OF THE WEREWOLF, critics usually comment on how cheap and derivative the makeup is in it. Similarly, when the Brit horror flick DOG SOLDIERS was recently released, the werewolves were criticised as being unrealistic. Both makeup jobs look like artistic masterpieces in comparison to the shaggy wolfman on display here. Even the werewolf in 1935's creaky WEREWOLF OF London is 100 times more realistic. Remember that ultra-cheap peplum film THE INVINCIBLE BROTHER MACISTE with the race of leopard men? Probably not, but the same 'technology' is used in this film. Namely, a fur mask worn over the head by a fully naked male actor (thankfully, the Japanese version I saw uses genital fogging) and a pair of fur mittens. AWFUL! The end result transforms a normal actor into... a naked guy with a werewolf mask and mittens on.The transformation scene is hilarious, lasting about ten minutes and utilising a "mooing" sound effect to add to the 'horror' of the piece. Sadly, it has the opposite effect. Watch out for the wacky death-by-werewolf scene in which a guy's face melts off like in THE BEYOND, but even cheaper and not as much fun. The less said about the plastic stomach explosion the better. Finally, the slightly controversial werewolf rape sequence is made ludicrous by the fact that the 'werewolf' is quite obviously a guy holding a fur rug over his head. Yes, it's that bad. The editing on this film is choppy and the gratuitous sex scenes involve unappealing actors and actresses, prompting liberal use of the fast-forward button. In all respects, this is terrible and a real bore, and only fans of REALLY BAD movies might get a kick out of it. Just leave your taste at the door beforehand.

This "film" is a brutal rape of cinematographic art ... the worst film i've ever seen and, since i've been appointed as an expert in trash films, probably the worst ever made in Italy. The subject seems to come out from a neurological hospital such as the screenplay, actors are terrible and terribly directed and special effects are ridiculous at unbelievable levels. Maybe only "Paganini Horror" by Luigi Cozzi and "Blood Delirum" by Sergio Bergonzelli could be considered in the same order of ugliness (but surly better). See to believe ... That's the absolute masterpiece of unconscious trash film-making and potentially better than the best comic movie.

Marco Antonio Andolfi is a man of many talents. He is an actor, a special effects craftsman, a script writer, a film editor, and probably a costume jewelry designer, since the cross mentioned in the title of this film is so prominently displayed one has to conclude that either he or his spouse created the damn thing.Mr. Andolfi's legendary erotic werewolf horror movie CROSS OF SEVEN JEWELS concerns the woes of Mario, an Italian chap with a bizarre haircut who grew up with the curse of lycanthropy that can only be kept in check by the effects of said cross, which he must wear at all times. If he does not, under the effects of the moon -- full, half full, or even hidden behind clouds -- he reverts to his primal inner monster of a masked naked man who can kill by inflicting the kind of heat gun melting effects seen in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. He can also tear people limb from limb, and has a curious pastie patch that fits over his private parts to make sure the film doesn't get an X certificate.Mario travels to Milan to meet his long-lost second cousin, who turns out to be a dishy little sex bombshell in a revealingly tight pink top that was chosen for her wardrobe specifically because it serves to display her pert, perky, permanently erect nipples. I mention this because it was the most memorable positive aspect of the film, even more memorable than the fact that she isn't actually his cousin. Mario is so distracted by her delightful pert breasts that he falls victim to an improbably elaborate street crime involving youths on motorcycles -- inspired by a similar scene from FULL METAL JACKET -- who tear the cross from his chest and promptly turn it over to the city's big crime kingpin. A fence who looks like Groucho Marx and wears a corsage that looks like a squashed tomato.Meanwhile, Spaghetti Western and Hercules/Peplum star Gordon Mitchell is conducting blasphemous erotic satanic ceremonies down in someone's basement when not mugging for the camera from odd, upwards looking angles that highlight his somewhat sinister rough hewn facial features. Spaghetti Western and Euro Horror icon George Ardisson is dispatched by a corrupt local politician to find out wassap with that goofy cross, leading Mario to an energetic sexual encounter with a bikini clad fortune teller who is really a prostitute. This is some movie.Marco Antonio Andolfi must have been a very wealthy playboy type schnook with a lot of free time on his hands and access to film-making facilities. As my fellow commenter has pointed out, he is obviously a fan of Spain's Paul Naschy and his tragic erotic werewolf cartoons. Mr. Andolfi wanted to pay homage to Naschy (and every other movie he had seen in his life) and this was the result. It is a remarkable little vanity project, devoid of any sense of traditional cinematic craft other than the presence of Mr. Mitchell, Mr. Ardisson, and the girl with the amazing breasts. Even the werewolf transformation scenes have a sort of blasé artlessness about them that is made more poignant by noting that when he becomes a werewolf he is nude, but when reverting back to his old self his clothes are back, except for one instance at the very end that is supposed to be a love scene.Marco Antonio Andolfi's most visible talent lies with his haircut, which is so precise that it makes an almost perfect 90 degree angle where the sideburns meet the top of his hairline. He looks a lot like "Seinfeld"'s Kramer, though without that smoldering look of insanity just waiting to be unleashed. I almost feel bad writing some of this because it is quite obvious that Marco Antonio Andolfi poured his very heart & soul into this film, and yet it's most useful purpose is as a source of uproarious unintentional comedy. Are we supposed to take it seriously? I sincerely hope not, but something tells me otherwise and I would hate to hurt his feelings if he ever came upon my little review here.So I'd like to take a second to say: Marco, I loved your werewolf movie, though probably for reasons other than those you intended. It is one of the most amazing little movies ever made, filled with so many little wonderful gems -- like the tie that is always perfectly in place -- that a mere 1,000 words cannot begin to communicate it's value as an entertainment. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing now, the world is richer for having your werewolf movie as a testament to your desire to having wanted to see it for yourself, which is why people should make art in the first place. I hope you show it every day in your restaurant or whatever you do with yourself just to remind the everyday people who eat there that they are in the presence of a legend.4/10

This is probably the cheapest horror film ever made in Italy, and that surely means something. It's about a hapless man who suffers under a strange werewolf-curse which is related to an even stranger occult sect (led by Cameron Mitchell!). In a way it pays homage to the Spanish werewolf-flics starring Paul Naschy as Valdemar Daninsky. But the Naschy-films look like big budget epics compared to this mess, which is so bad that one has to see it to believe it. Director Andolfi not only plays the lead role (credited as Eddy Endolf) but also handles the special effects and many other things. Sometimes one might believe he was the only one behind the camera (maybe he was, who knows?).Besides the cursed man and the sect, the incoherent plot involves the least threatening mafia killers ever banned on celluloid; with such mobsters, "The Godfather" would have been the comedy of the 20th century. All the actors seem to be amateurs, probably good friends of director/everything Andolfi. The special effects (especially the werewolf-make-up and the old fashioned transformation sequences) are less convincing than most monster scenes from, shall we say, films by Ed Wood jr. All in all, this shoddy mess is unbelievably ridiculous.Despite the fact that the film is inept from every imaginable aspect, it is good fun and highly entertaining, at least for watching once - a party tape and a master example of a film that lacks any quality. You have been warned...