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Touches You

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

Let me be very fair here, this is not the best movie in my opinion. But, this movie is fun, it has purpose and is very enjoyable to watch.

It is a whirlwind of delight --- attractive actors, stunning couture, spectacular sets and outrageous parties.

Since I've opened up the subject of Sheena, queen of the jungle, I've decided to mention the 1984 movie version. Tanya Roberts had campaigned for the role many years, even claiming her part in The Beastmaster was to demonstrate she had the acting ability. It was released in the summer blockbuster season. Sadly, the movie bombed after the critics tore the film apart.Which is too bad because the Sheena we got in 1984 wasn't all that bad. Yes, it did have a mind-numbing pseudo-Vangelis score which grated on the nerves. But Tanya Roberts did her best to play the legendary jungle queen. The opening scene, where the healing powers of the sacred soil are shown, is fantastic. Too bad the rest of the movie never lived up to the first five minutes. I should also give the producers credit for filming the movie entirely in Kenya. The shots of the grasslands are magnificent. Even Pauline Kael admitted " the picture certainly never starves the eye". The Sheena movie we were given in 1984 had the title character in plain suede leather, not the bizarre leopard skins of previous years.The question which never gets answered in this movie (or any other jungle girl flick) is where she gets her hair and make-up done. I've always wondered if Chim the ape was trained to do hair care at an early age and has a salon hidden somewhere on the savanna. But it's all part of the willing suspension of disbelief.The 1984 Sheena movie continues to be popular on video and DVD. I'm not aware of a Blu-ray version, but I'm sure one is one the way. http://www.z7hq.com/pulp/sheena-movie-1984.php

Breath-taking African scenery and Tanya Roberts, one of the most beautiful women ever to appear on a movie screen, provide lots of lovely things to look at but don't QUITE distract one from the central truth of this movie, which is that it stinks. The plot is simplistic, predictable, paint-by-numbers 80s action junk about evil mercenaries doing something evil, the dialogue is so bad it almost works as camp or self-parody, and the primary musical theme is so annoying and unsuited to the milieu it needs muting. You almost want to extract images of Tanya running about in her Fredrick's of Zimbabwe bra top and thong, taking showers under waterfalls, riding her zebras, and bouncing, bouncing, always bouncing... and put them to better music, with the dialogue cut out. The movie itself is just jaw-droppingly awful, but Tanya is just so fabulous, no (hetero male) viewer cares, as the camera lingers on her glorious body and gazes into her empty blue eyes, so blank and uncluttered by comprehension or thought. TV D-lister Ted Wass is along as her erstwhile male lead, and is so amazingly bland on-screen he makes Tanya look charismatic by comparison, no small feat. As adventure fiction, it's pretty much garbage. Enjoy the eye candy.

This is a bizarre sort of film--and very confusing and difficult to give a numeric score and I am struggling more with this film than 99% of the movies I have rated. The biggest reason is that while it is a bad movie, the production values are amazingly good and it looks pretty nice. This is not some $50,000 production by Ed Wood, but one that inexplicably was approved and made by a real honest-to-goodness studio! The cinematography and music are often quite lovely and it's obvious some money was put into the picture. On the other hand, though, the dialog and basic idea are pretty dumb--a lot like some of the many jungle B-movies of the 1930s, 40s and 50s. In fact, movies like BLONDE SAVAGE and DAUGHTER OF THE JUNGLE are very cheap films but they manage to provide decent B-movie entertainment--and are an awful lot like SHEENA, an A-picture in almost every way. The other odd thing that make this film hard to rate is its audience. While these other female jungle warrior films all were designed mostly for kids, SHEENA is decidedly NOT a kids film--and I wonder how this film managed to receive a PG rating! I assume that no one actually saw the film since it was pretty goofy and didn't notice the two very striking nude scenes with its star, Tanya Roberts. And, on one hand this makes it a very family unfriendly film but on the other, for anyone who wants to see a lot of Ms. Roberts (more than she showed in BEAST MASTER), this is your film!The film begins with two scientists bringing their young daughter to the middle of the Zambuli lands to look into the rumor of some "healing earth" that has magical restorative properties. But, only moments later, they are killed in an accident and the little girl, Janet, is renamed 'Sheena' and is raised by the nice Zambuli. Apparenlty, they have some prophecy about a golden-haired lady who will save the tribe and Sheena is this fulfillment of prophecy. Oddly, after all this (and almost 20 minutes of film), the credits now roll.Later, time has passed and Sheena is now a buxom babe--sort of like a combination of Tarzan and a Playboy cover model cavorting about the jungle and talking with animals...and taking her clothes off now and then. And, now that she has reached adulthood, the prophesied threat to the tribe is about to be unleashed. After an assassination, the good king is replaced by his wicked brother whose goal is to rape Zambuli land. A reporter and his fat (i.e., comic relief) cameraman have stumbled upon evidence that the new king, in fact, was behind the assassination, so the king and his baddies all chase them into the jungle. There, they meet up with Sheena. After dispatching the cameraman with the evidence, the reporter (Ted Wass) stays with Sheena and marvels at her ability to control animals and her curvaceous body. In the end, the film pretty much goes as you expect, though the ending (when Wass leaves) is a letdown. I wonder if perhaps they ended it that way and assumed there'd be a sequel to reunite the lovers, but critical response to the film was so bad that it wasn't surprising this sequel never was made.So what makes this a relatively bad film? Well, the dialog is THE problem. Despite Sheena being raised by the Zambuli since she was about 3, she sounds like she could fit in almost anywhere--with lovely American-accented diction. Other than not understanding a few words about modern machinery, she sounds nothing like anyone raised in the middle of Africa. The same can be said, incidentally, of the Zambuli themselves. Also, too much of the dialog sounds like it came from an old movie serial--which is great for kids (who are often less demanding) but for a skin-flick, this makes no sense.Another problem is simply that much of the film isn't that interesting. You KNOW that in the end Sheena and the forces of good will win, so there is no real sense of uncertainty.As for Miss Roberts, she wasn't THAT bad...but she wasn't particularly believable. Much of it was because she was too well-coiffed and much of it was the dialog, though her acting didn't do much to inspire either. She was, however, in her element when it came to nude scenes, as at the time she must have been one of the most beautiful women in the world with her piercing eyes and...um...everything else. The way that some blamed her for the failure of the film seems a bit unfair, as the real culprit here is John Guillermin, the director, as he was apparently insane. If you don't believe me, try watching his next film, KING KONG LIVES--a film that is a billion times dumber than SHEENA ever was.One final problem, and it's more a problem for snobs like me that look for mistakes. The 'zebra' that Sheena rides throughout the film is clearly not a zebra but a horse painted like one. This makes sense, as zebras are wild and unpredictable but the paint job on the horse was poor--way too intensely black and the strips were too well-defined--making it look exactly like a painted horse. Heck, I would have simply made it be a horse in the film or had her ride an elephant (but African elephants can also be a bit hard to control) or had her walk or run instead.Overall, not a terrible film. The movie looks nice and even occasionally draws you into this goofy little world with its odd sense of innocence. However, it is pretty dumb when you think about it.

The movie as rated, is below average, the plot is poor, but the execution is a little poor. What I found interesting on this movie is that Roberts is absolutely gorgeous and pretty undressed for the time (some shots are too bold for 1984). In the mid 80s it could be kinda entertaining, but is not suitable for nowadays audiences, it obviously doesn't contain high art values. As a minor appreciation (and the true reason I watched it), is a superhero movie, so those who like comics and such can enjoy it a little bit more, considering that there is not so many super movies and could see it as measure to other old superhero movies (for example superman -as way better than this one-). Special effects are not bad (explotions and such are nit), but the zebra could have been painted better. For a boring Saturday afternoon it could be a choice if you can't see The Godfather for 20th time.